I often find myself wondering if i were to stop listening to the music of my formative years, would I be able to change my personality? Its those things we experienced while "growing up" that make us who we are. What if we dont like who we are? All these reminders of who i was and who i want to be. Remove those from my thought patterns and change myself.
What would i change and why?
I care too much about people, i think about their feelings too much. What about me? I sometimes feel like i should just become a dick, bash my way thru life and relationships. Forget opening doors for women, forget gentleness and forget respect. What has it all gotten me? (yes, a lot of me, me, me going on here). I did my time, now i want mine!
Perhaps just stop attempting to have "deep and meaningful" relationships and go for the gusto! In the end, up until this point in my life all i have gotten in return is taken advantage of. Friend, well, that is no return whatsoever.
I am 110% passionate about my loves, anyone who really knows me understands that about me. All i have ever asked for in return for that is the same. Give me what i give and i will be happy. Understand, this statement is all encompassing. Music, life, etc... Take for instance the band, Jack Mystery. Wow, i really put myself into that. Not only was i the driving compositional force behind that band, it was all up to me to do: art, recording, engineering, website design. etc... Hey, i never complained. I like a full plate! Its just when it came to it, the recognition was not there from some of the members. I heard thru the grapevine as it were once that my migraines were bullshit. Granted, this "grapevine" wasn't precisely reliable. What?! Really? Time to look inward people, obviously you were feeling guilty about something you had done (or not, rather).
I wont talk about Ex's here, they are unimportant to my diatribe.
Point is: Sometimes i wish i could just be a "user". Just use the people around, take and take. No return.
But i can not... I am who i am and stopping myself from listening to any particular kind of music is only going to decrease my quality of life.
I am done.
4 comments:
All of the things you want to change are things that are very attractive in a person. You're a rarity and it's not your fault that men and women alike don't respect that. I'm not just talking about relationships, either! For someone to put 100% into anything they do is great! Don't change! :)
i just really want to feel like a part of the team! :-) no i kid. i read your blog, about 20 times, and i can relate. and why for the life of me i can still put myself out there to be stepped on again, i have no idea. but i do think that an admirable and honorable person is the person you have described yourself to be; and these are the only people that i would want in my life. and for that, i feel that even though it doesn't always feel 100% reciprocated, somewhere in there your "loves" do appreciate you.
"Sometimes its just so hard, to act like the person you were born to be." A little Clutch lyric for ya! ;)
Yeah, lately it has been really tough to see thru the overwhelming amount of bullshit. You know, i really thought i was done with it for a while! Seems like i got 6 months reprieve and then back to the mess.
I'm trying lately to be more positive. I really am, but damn... Its the little things that kill. They pile up and smush the life out of you.
so i just now read your response to my comment. so, i'm a month late. my bad...
i understand the little things. those are what make my flaws shine through.
if you ever need a couch or a place to stay or just some friends, as you know, we're here for you :)
on another note... i need your help. i'll send you some messages...
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